50+ Funniest John Mulaney Quotes to Make Your Day Frisky

John Mulaney Quotes

John Mulaney Quotes: Better known as John Edmund Mulaney, he is one of the finest American stand-up comedians, writers, actors, and producers, majorly known for his extraordinary work as a writer on Saturday Night Live. He is also a primetime Emmy award winner for his writing work on Kid Gorgeous. Apart from this, he has given several memorable comic performances on sitcom like Mulaney, New in Town, The Comeback kid, and children’s musical comedy,’ John Mulaney & The Sack lunch bunch’. Not many people know that John Mulaney is also a dexterous voice-over artist and has given his voice to the character of Peter Porker/Spider-ham and in the Netflix animated show ‘the big mouth’. To make you connect more with John Mulaney, we have compiled the funniest John Mulaney quotes on love and life that will change your perception of the way you think about anything.

John Mulaney Quotes

You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term. » John Mulaney

You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair. » John Mulaney

John Mulaney Quotes

I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment. » John Mulaney

Email viruses bring people together in amazing ways. » John Mulaney

john mulaney quotes about life

I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion. » John Mulaney

I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. » John Mulaney

I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under. » John Mulaney

Do you want a salad or fries? That’s like asking, ‘Do you want to go for a jog or freebase cocaine?’ » John Mulaney

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I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day I’ll die. » John Mulaney

You should be able to say I don’t know. That should be an acceptable answer on a test. » John Mulaney

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You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers. » John Mulaney

Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it. » John Mulaney

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You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit. » John Mulaney

I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting. » John Mulaney

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The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time. » John Mulaney

I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here. » John Mulaney

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I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute. » John Mulaney

I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster. » John Mulaney

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I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines. » John Mulaney

My childhood was completely dominated by Bill Clinton and the OJ trial. I don’t think we had a family dinner where one didn’t come up. » John Mulaney

john mulaney quotes about love

For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on. » John Mulaney

Nick Kroll, A.D. Miles, Chelsea Peretti – those were the people I was always doing open mics with. » John Mulaney

And then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving. » John Mulaney

I have too many influences to name. I like a wide variety of stuff, which I think has been helpful. I liked every comedian I saw on TV growing up in the ’80s. Every comedian. » John Mulaney

All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it. » John Mulaney

Being president looks like the worst job in the world. » John Mulaney

I’m like an iPhone, it’s going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason. » John Mulaney

My dad is and was very funny and had a really dry sense of humor, which, as a kid, seemed un-fun. But in retrospect, it’s kind of hilarious. » John Mulaney

College was like a four-year game show called “Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep? » John Mulaney

My dad came home from work and my mom told my dad that she cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan, which prompted my dad to ask. ‘How does John know how to make a Cosmopolitan?’ » John Mulaney

I quit drinking because I used to drink too much, then I would black out and I would ruin parties. » John Mulaney

I remember one time I was in bed, and my dad came in and he said ‘Good night, John! Did you brush your teeth?’ and I said, ‘Yes’, But here’s the thing…. » John Mulaney

Late at night, on the street, women will see me as a threat. That is funny, yeah! It’s kind of flattering in its own way, but at the same time, it’s weird because, like, I’m still afraid of being kidnapped. » John Mulaney

If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter. » John Mulaney

I look back on being 17 and think, “Oh my God, how did I not die? » John Mulaney

You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about. » John Mulaney

My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you. » John Mulaney

When I’m walking down the street I don’t think anybody goes, ‘Hey look at that man’, they’re just like ‘Woah, that tall child looks terrible’. » John Mulaney

I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun or, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me. » John Mulaney

I still like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on. » John Mulaney

Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn’t be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it. » John Mulaney

I’m pretty self-critical about everything I’ve ever done: stand-up, ‘SNL.’ » John Mulaney

Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It’s like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads. » John Mulaney

I was bullied when I was in school for being Asian-American. The biggest problem with that is that I’m not Asian-American. » John Mulaney

It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them. » John Mulaney

Now I get to say, ‘my wife’ which is very exciting. It has a lot of power to it. It’s fun to say ‘my wife’. I’m looking forward to saying it a lot. ‘Get away from my wife!’ ‘No one talk to my wife!’ ‘I didn’t kill my wife!’. » John Mulaney

Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting. » John Mulaney

Most open-mic experiences I had were okay. » John Mulaney

According to the Girl Scouts website you cannot buy Girl Scout cookies online. Do you know what you can buy online? Everything. » John Mulaney

It’s nice when you’re nervous and everybody’s like, ‘Yeah, you should be nervous.’ Because a lot of times you’re anxious and people say, ‘Relax. Shut up.’ And that just feels like, Well, I guess I’m also crazy. » John Mulaney

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’’ You’re not allowed to milk a cow that you don’t own. That’s not even a situation. Was that a problem at one point? » John Mulaney